Can't you just let go?
by hunterintrenchcoat
Summary: "Castiel finally kissed him. Yes, maybe he was really crazy, at least for some people, but he didn't want to think it that way."


_This is another small thing I wrote quickly before going to sleep, don't expect too much. I know some people will be angry at me because there are still two fanfiction in-progress (since three months ago, ugh, I'm sorry and ashamed) but really, I'm outlining the next chapters so I think they will be ready in one or two weeks (I'm on holiday right now and it's a bit hard since I'm not at my computer)._

_Anyway I think Destiel will be the savior of my inspiration._

* * *

"What the hell are you doing? Are you crazy?!"

Castiel finally kissed him. Yes, maybe he was really crazy, at least for some people, but he didn't want to think it that way; he wasn't crazy, he was brave. A part of Dean thought that too, it was the same bravery he had never had in his whole life and had always preferred to call craziness instead.

"Castiel?!"

The angel looked up at the green eyes in front of him, the two imprints of Dean's hands didn't leave his shoulders; a strange mix of emotions was bubbling up in his chest, making it difficult to understand what he was really feeling. He was mostly disappointed.

"Yes, Dean?"

He asked in that emotionless tone that he usually used when he was confused. Or when he was hiding something. Well, not that he could hide things anymore at this point, maybe it was more for the disappointment now.

"Why the fuck did you do that?"

It was the tone that enraged him, like setting a ton of gasoline on fire. The tone was shocked and surprised at the same time and it was something that Castiel couldn't stand, not after all the things that Dean did and thought and said.

"And 'why the fuck' can't you let go for one damn time?"

The question hit him hard like a slap in the face and, yeah, the pain was similar too; maybe he should really think about it, about why he kept trying to hold things in, hide his feelings, stop the words that wanted to escape his mouth.

"Don't tell me that you don't want this because I know."

Of course Castiel knew, how could he not know. Angel of the Lord or not, he wasn't stupid; even if he didn't use his powers to read his thoughts, he could read them anyway by looking into his eyes. It was so easy.

"I know what you think and I even know what you think afterwards."

It had to be painful for him, Dean was aware of that. He kept denying and lying, to himself and to Castiel too, since he could read his mind. Maybe he was trying to convince himself most of all, convince that it could be wrong, it could be dangerous, it could make him weak and he didn't want to take the risk.

"Why do you keep denying the truth? Even to me? Why?"

His hands were on his cheeks now and, oh, he could feel the touch in them. Desperate. There were few times in which Castiel would be really desperate and this one right now was one of those.

"Why can't you just let go?"

Those weren't real questions, Castiel already knew the answers. He wanted to be Dean to answer them, he wanted him to realize and believe, believe the truth he was trying to hide.

"Dean, please."

He was begging now and when Dean looked up his eyes were shiny, probably watering and on the verge of letting go. Castiel sighed, like he had just realized something painful and wanted to refuse it; he had a discouraging look in his eyes.

"I will go away when it's over, if you want it that way."

No.

"I will make sure Sam comes back as late as possible, so he won't see and he won't know."

No.

"I will make sure no one knows about what will happen now, if this is what you want."

No.

"But please, Dean, please..."

He pressed his forehead against Dean's as he tightened his hold on his face.

"...please I need this, I..."

He slowed down a bit as he realized that what he was going to say was strong, heavy, intense.

"...I need you, Dean."

And what Dean needed was this, was Castiel and he had always knew.

He grabbed the angel by the neck and he kissed him, like Castiel had done before all of this started, but more desperately, more needy. His hands were on the angel and Castiel's were on him, tracing every inch of their body and leaving marks on the other.

Maybe at some point he had really convinced himself that he would have never needed this, because now he was slightly surprised to understand how much he had been wrong and stupid and selfish.

And when it was over and he was asleep, Castiel sat up on the bed and dressed, ready to leave, glancing back at Dean with a hint of happiness and sadness at the same time in his eyes. No one would have known, it would have been their secret forever.

"Don't."

A firm yet gentle hand was in his arm, right when he was about to get up and leave.

"Don't go."

He wouldn't.

"Stay here."

He would.

"I need you too."

He smiled.

"So let them know."


End file.
